Diabetes and My Emotions

So I have to confess that I don’t particularly like to write about my diabetes. I enjoy talking to others and answering their questions about diabetes but I have never found writing about my experience with diabetes to be therapeutic. I choose to write today because it has been incredibly helpful to me to read other diabetics experiences and thoughts on their blogs. In researching how I would be able to take care of my health and get my necessary prescriptions for this trip I realized that there is very little information out their for type 1 diabetics who want to travel or at least travel extensively. Because of this Duncan and I decided to make this blog in part a ‘how-to/diabetes commentary’ to be helpful to someone someday.

So diabetes and me? I have a love-hate relationship with diabetes. I am fortunate to be able to see the positive affects of having a chronic disease in how it shapes my character and has made me stronger. Lobbying with the American Diabetes Association for increased research funding from the legislature as a Teen Advocate in high school not only allowed me to meet some incredible diabetics who will be life-long friends but it also got me interested in politics/policy/understanding the systems that affect my life. This experience led me to major in Political Science and Comparative Religion in college. I also deeply believe that I have learned through diabetes to be more sensitive to others and observant to the world around me.

However, despite the positive things that have come from diabetes there is no doubt that having diabetes, quite frankly, sucks. In one of my classes in high school I learned of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's Cycle of Grief which continues to help me explain my emotional life with diabetes. The cycle goes through several stages from the moment of receiving bad news – starting in the stable stage, the person then moves through shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and the acceptance stage. The theory allows for each person to move through the stages in their own time and acknowledges that the person could get stuck in one stage or can regress through stages they have already gone through.

For the most part I spend the majority of my days in the acceptance stage however it is very easy for me to move back into the anger or depression stages depending on what new or reoccurring challenge diabetes produces. Diabetes is always with me. Having been diagnosed when I was eleven years old I have now lived the majority of my life with diabetes and I honestly don’t remember what life is like without diabetes. I am not always thinking about diabetes, many things I do on auto-pilot, but sometimes on those days that require more strength than usual I can find my reserve empty and really struggle to get through the day. I have been fortunate to have a good support system of friends and family who are generally interested in knowing what I deal with and a very supportive husband who sometimes goes through the stages of grief with me, but I also find it difficult to share the darkest times.

Ultimately I take good care of myself but have learned that quality of my (life) time is more important to me than the quantity of my (life) time. This means that I am going to accept dinner invitations, without worrying about what you're going to feed me and what time we're going to eat (admittedly part of this freedom comes from using an insulin pump). I do not measure out all my food and I do not eat at the same time everyday. These are things that may help produce better blood sugar control but ultimately for me would take away too much of my time and effort from some of the important moments of la vita dolce. Diabetes is a personal disease in many ways – meaning that it manifests itself differently in people and that people can have many different reactions and methods to dealing with it. My method is certainly that – my method, and not a recommendation for anyone else. I share all this as simply my emotional life with diabetes in the hopes that it helps you understand me and so that other diabetics may be helped in understanding the context of the decisions I made on this magnificent trip.

Andrea